i’m talking about sex with the ex.
sex with the ex even when he or she was the lying, cheating, manipulative, scum of the earth kind. why do we do it?
apparently, it is quite common. exes have sex with each other after a break up (or a divorce) because when a relationship ends, there’s the physical split, and there’s the emotional split, and those two things don’t usually happen at the same time. having sex again can be a way to achieve that emotional closure (or it can obstruct it).
to figure out if intimacy with an ex will be positive or negative, we need to check why and how often we’re doing it. a few booty calls to gain closure can generally be OK. exactly how many? one time? two? twenty? hmm... any thing more than five only means we are perpetuating the emotional connection. how can a person move on if he/she can’t let go? so the most important thing to do is to ask why we’re doing it.
does delusion, anger or fear have anything to do with it?
delusion: if a person is caught up in “love is a passionate, china-shattering fight, followed by an all-night tango” i.e. sleeping with the ex because he/she mistakenly believes the two of them belong together (sigh!) the one who is delusional could be in trouble.
anger: the classic woo-and-drop revenge routine: when the injured party (i.e. the one who got dumped, particularly for another man/woman) rekindles the flame in order to turn around and do the dumping. this is particularly inappropriate, not to mention dark and twisted.
fear: the dread of getting back into the market; intimacy with the devil you know to avoid all the devils you don’t know lurking on the dating scene.
why did i do it? admittedly, with one ex i was delusional (i was 20 if that counts) and i did get in trouble. with another ex it was fear. i’d much rather be with the devil who knew how to push all the right buttons (if you know what I mean) than dealing with others who are sorted of … unsatisfactory.
do I still have any exes in my bedroom closet? the answer is no. i stay in contact with one ex but only because i genuinely like him. do i enjoy his company? i do very much. do i have any desire to have him in my bed again? certainly not.
i guess another reason why it can be ok to “go there” again is the possibility that two people really do belong together. it can happen. however, the only way it can work is if they get help for the old problems that caused them to split up in the first place. don’t just skip over the past and pretend that everything’s wonderful or soon they’ll find themselves riding that same emotional roller coaster ... again... and again... and again.